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My daughter is having surgery right now.

 

On the outside I’m a calm and collected mom, but on the inside I’m kiiiind of a mess.

 

The surgery isn’t anything complicated, and things should go just fine.

 

But man. It’s not easy to sit here and wait.

 

I think one of the hardest things about being a mom is the need to be strong when you feel like your courage is the size of a pea.

 

A big part of me is still just a little girl who just wants to go in her room and cry right now.

 

I know the hard things are what help us grow.

 

…Is it bad that sometimes I don’t want to grow?

 

I get frustrated with myself for not growing as quickly as I want to, but at moments like this I want to be as small as possible and not have anything to worry about.

 

That’s the crappy thing about loving people. It’s the hard part about opening ourselves to relationships. It’s the sting we all fear.

 

In my life, I’ve mastered the art of keeping people at arm’s length. I’m friendly and warm, but I haven’t let many people in. Even as a mom, It has taken me a long time to let my guard down completely because I’m terrified of losing people.

I know what it feels like. And I hate it.

 

IMG_0500But she’s worth opening up to. She’s worth being strong for. Loving her helps growth be a little easier. (and a lot more fun)

 

So, strong it is.

…at least until it’s time for that good cry when this is over.

 

 

Getting my thoughts out has been helpful. Thanks for reading all of this.